Things too long for Twitter

this guy sounds bananas. I like it.

via Mig

rrots72 (10:17:37 PM): Dude I had the gnarliest dream ever

ardust (10:17:51 PM): dave mccutcheon vacuuming naked?

rots72 (10:17:53 PM): last night I dreamt that someone bet me $10k that I wouldn’t cut off my nipple

rots72 (10:17:58 PM): and for some reason, in the dream

rots72 (10:18:05 PM): I thought that it wouldn’t hurt or anything

ots72 (10:18:13 PM): so I had one of those little pruning shears

rots72 (10:18:25 PM): and I reached down and cut off my left nipple

rots72 (10:18:41 PM): and this gigantic lightning bolt shot out of it

rots72 (10:18:46 PM): and blew a hole in the wall

rrots72 (10:18:57 PM): It freaked me out so much that I woke up and called my brother

rots72 (10:19:08 PM): and then went back to sleep and forgot about it

ardust (10:19:16 PM): WOW

rots72 (10:19:22 PM): I just remembered it again just now because he called me telling me how fucked up I was

rots72 (10:19:33 PM): and I had to spend an hour talking to him convincing him I wasn’t using again

ardust (10:19:39 PM): HAHA

rots72 (10:19:42 PM): Blue lightning bolt!

Amazing.

A while back, I did something admittedly stupid for a friend with no health insurance. He ran out of psych medications and out of misguided empathy I went to the hospital ER, pretended to be depressed and out of Paxil so they would give me more and I could pass them along. 4 hours later, after a 2 hour psych exam, they had me take some of them and wrote a prescription for a little more. Combined with my regular medications, the Paxil made me puke and hallucinate for hours after, but I felt like I had done something nice for someone and it would come back to me.

And it did come back to me. The bill was sent to the wrong address, went into collections and now shows up on my credit report as “PSYCHIATRIC ASSISTANCE.” So after shelling out $200 to close the account, for the next 7 years I look fiscally retarded *and* crazy.

Thanks Karma! Fuck you too!

My pants are fancy

the older I get the more little things I remember about my parents being relatively broke when I was younger and doing things like buying postcards at the museum and matting them into an interesting composition on the wall when they couldn’t afford art, or using those cans of orange juice from concentrate. And I have to wonder at the elemental unfairness of raising a child into near adulthood and getting them used to the things you didn’t have, so they can turn around and think they are way too good to do these things that allowed them to go to college and get these retarded ideas in the first place.

Country Music Programming (via Andy Doe)

In R&B, the words are merely a vehicle for the performance. People with amazing voices perform fearless acts of vocal agility over what are usually banal and uninspired lyrics.

For country music, which must, sadly, be performed by country singers, this is usually impossible. As a result, we must judge country singers by the content of the lyrics that were written for them by somebody else. Thankfully, this is easy to do, since all good country songs include certain key words and concepts. By assigning values to them, we can accurately distinguish the good from the bad. 

Concepts

Simple songs for simple people. That’s the idea here. Every good country song has a readily understandable statement to make. The more asinine it is, the better.

“Becoming an adult has given me empathy for my parents” – 10 points

“I have to get out of this small town” – 15 points

“I see no way in which I’m partly responsible for the relationships I have” – 20 points

“I’m going to drink through my problems and repeat my mistakes” – 25 points

“I’d like to stay in this small town” – 30 points

“I have no comment on the war itself, but I support those taking part in it” – 35 points

“I know I’m being an asshole, but I’m going to keep doing it anyway” – 40 points

“Oh crap” – 50 points

Values

Country music values the really important things, which are:

Family – 10 points

Manliness – 15 points

God – 20 points

Guns – 30 points

Cowboy hats and boots – 50 points each

Activities

The more manly the better. A good general rule is that if you shouldn’t do it in heels, it’s country.

Hunting – 10 points

Fishing – 10 points

Farming – 20 points

Fighting – 30 points

Drinking  - See below

Drinks

Alcohol has been vital to the development and continued success of country music. When assigning values to the booze in country lyrics, there are really only two questions to ask: “how manly is it?” and “how likely is it to lead to bad decisions?”

Beer – 5 points

Whiskey – 10 points

Tequila – 15 points

Moonshine – 50 points

Margerita – 7.5 points

Any other cocktail – 0 points

Wine – minus 5 points.

Locations

Country is one of the few genres of music that is defined geographically. As the opposite of urban music (in which it is commonplace to name-check major conurbations), any song that calls out backwoods locations is automatically more country. Apply the following formula:

For each location more than 100 miles from an ocean – 10 points

For each location South of the Mason-Dixon line – 20 points

For each location outside the US (except Mexico) – minus 10 points

Mistakes

There are lots of options here, but all the important ones should be covered by the following:

Getting out of a good relationship* – 10 points

Getting into a bad relationship* – 20 points

Anything that’s only practically possible in Vegas* – 30 points

* (whilst drunk) add 20 points

Transport

Country is a road movie rendered through the medium of song, so you’ll need a way to get around the small town you’re never gonna’ leave. Extra points are awarded for impracticality.

Car – 5 points

Limousine – 7.5 points

Truck – 10 points

Horse – 20 points

Old horse – 30 points

Toyota Prius – Minus 200 points

Animals

When the animals boarded Noah’s ark, they did so in equal numbers. If the Bible was a country song* things would have gone rather differently. If your animal isn’t listed below, award 10 points if you could either ride it or herd it, or if you could get badly hurt trying.

Cow – 10 points

Bull – 15 points

Horse – 20 points

Dog – 30 points

Cat – minus 10 points

Chihuahua – minus 50 points

*itself an excellent title for a country song.

Farm Equipment

Many country songs would be unnecessary if people simply asked permission before trying to ride any of the following:

Tractor – 10 points

Combine Harvester – 20 points

Farmer’s Daughter – 30 points

Examples:

Carrie Underwood: Last Name – 110 points

Carrie gets drunk on Tequila (5) and marries a stranger (20) with a Ford Pinto (5) in Vegas (30). Oh crap. (50 points).

Brad Paisley: I’m Still A Guy – 160 points

Brad isn’t gay. He likes hunting (10), fishing (10), mechanical bulls (15), fighting (30) and has a gun (30) in his truck (10). He’s manly (15) and has no plans to change (40).

Rodney Atkins: Cleaning this gun – 75 points

When Rodney was a kid, his girlfriend’s dad scared the crap out of him by implying that he’d get shot (30) if he tried to ride their daughter (30). Now he’s a father, it’s his turn (10). Oh, and drive safely now (5).

Craig Morgan: International Harvester – 110 points

Craig is a farmer (20) and he’s married to a (hopefully unrelated) farmer’s daughter (30). He drives a combine harvester (20) and he doesn’t care if he slows you down (40).

Oh fuck you.

I was sympathetic until I read the last line of this email:

“I was stopped at the light at Deanza/Mariani behind the Apple Shuttle A bus. The bus started to back up and I honked my horn many times, kept coming and so I got in reverse and backed up some and he still managed to hit me. His next drop was at IL1. If you were on this bus and remember what happened will you please let  me know? I drive a blue porsche.”